Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
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