My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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