also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
