So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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