two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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