I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Randomize
