Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
