You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Randomize
