Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
