if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
