Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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