idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
