dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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