I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
