Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Acid is not a monday night drug
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
