Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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