Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
