So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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