My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
