I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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