and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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