he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
