my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
