apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
