Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
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I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
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The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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