I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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