Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
