I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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