i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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