I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
