No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
