I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
