my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
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What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
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I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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