I need to stop coming to work sober
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever