Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
