So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
