A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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