this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
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