I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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