My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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