I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
