R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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