The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
