Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
