she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
