Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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