She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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