Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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