Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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