I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
