We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
