when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
