so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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