Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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