I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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