my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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